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Wednesday, August 22, 2007
8:49 AM
mood:
ANGRYI am still so pissed off now. had a big fight with my eldest sis yesterday. She simply loves to chase us out of OUR room so she can slp. I mean.. i admit she needs to work the next day and needs enough slp.. but i reeli dun understand why I muz leave my room where all my books, my laptop and my study desk are. She dunno wad is give and take or learn how to compromise.
The incident happened when alicia called ard midnight to discuss something which she is unsure of about our assignment which is due like today. so knowing its important.. i wanna settle her doubts as fast as possible.. and when i picked up the call.. my sis came in.. so.. i know haf to settle even faster.. so she wun start nagging.. and there i am trying my best to settle.. she said "ah san.. blah blah blah" twice and i din reply to her coz for obvious reasons.. i am trying to tok to alicia on the phone. so wad she said was actually irritating me and disrupting my thoughts. so i cldnt stand it i juz stopped toking n shouted " can u keep quiet?!?! i wanna settle fast fast and u keep making noise! Then she said i cld put down the phone.. shut down my laptop.. carry it out... switch it on.. click on the file which i need to see as explaining to alicia and then call alicia back.. and juz to share with u.. i already exited MSN n wanna go out of the room to continue reading my text so my sis can slp... so obviously... shutting down my laptop and moving out of the room to repeat all the steps again was stupid coz i cld settle with alicia in less than 5 mins.. and she cannot even wait or accomodate to 5 mins. Hello.. i wasnt happily chit-chatting on the phone... like i am an idiot dunno u wanna slp still wanan irritate u n make u angry n end up quarrelling? So i got reeli pissed off.. she cannot give in for a while.. she wanna slp means we muz get out at once.. and yep.. she started saying my attitude sucks and ask me to stop shouting.. but i am so pissed! how to dun shout.. somemore she juz dun get it.. n yah.. before i forget.. i admit it was my fault to start shouting... but reason wise.. i dun think i am wrong at all. and so.. she ended part 1 of the fight by asking me to go n die.. n i am deeply affected coz recently.. i haf grown to understand by asking ppl to go n die is so saddening.. n i nv used tt anymore in quarrels.
So.. alicia put down n apologised. i stormed out of the room with my book and reeli cursed her upside down under my breath! then worse come to worse.. my bro is like saying "seriously.. ur frens shld stop calling at weird timings!" n i got more sian diao coz i cannot control it wad.. n we nv call to chit chat k? ppl call at late timings also noe its late and surely its impt then they will do so wad... so i got more angry i went into my 2nd sis's room..
n i started crying.. coz no one seemed to think in this incident its not my fault totally.. like i said.. if i am wrong.. i am only wrong for being rude. and also.. she reeli irritates the hell out of me! you noe she quarrelled with almost every single one of us about her slping time n chasing ppl out.. she keeps saying she only ask for 7 hours of slp and hello.. ppl ask for being able to finish up their stuff asap at their own place n desk not in the living room... n ppl wanna slp like u too.. by saying u cannot slp with lights on or sound is so selfish k... if i need to do work on my laptop.. i will let u haf the lights off and plz let me do my work in my own room. n like tt she also cannot lo. she say i flip books too loudly (n i dunno how i can flip a book SOOOOO LOUDLY to wake her up) and worse.. say i type too loudly. WAD THE HELL!!! she dun see ppl already giving in to her with lights off.. she think doing work in the dark is soooo nice n enjoyable huh. sometimes i think she shld juz slp in the storeroom. no one will disturb her n there will be absolute darkness and slience.
alrights.. then i started writing her a letter.. coz everytime ppl tell her she also at fault in all the quarrels she also dun listen de.. SHE IS ALWAYS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! n ppl all at fault. so i said she cannot always want ppl to give in and she juz slp happily.. i say i also veri tired.. sching give tuition and go home ard 8pm almost everyday since sch started and still need to do work n read my textbks... i only ask for letting me stay in my own room to finish up my work while she compromise abit here n there.. i hate to sit on the floor in the living room.. n doing my work at the table which is so high or on the floor.. its damn tiring n only slows me down in finishing up my stuff.. n i told her.. i write to her coz whenever ppl tell her she is selfish n always scold ppl insist that others are wrong she will say the person bad attitude n all the stuff.. then i said if she still dun understand n see tt she is also at fault.. she beyond hope le.. n i asked my 2nd sis to pass it the letter to her..
so war part 2 started.. she stormed over and threw the paper at me.. " why do u think u r writing this to me? dun come n write all these rubbish lo. you think i nv experience wad u experieced before? dun come n act kelian infront of ppl... i dun see wanting to slp 7 hours is wrong!"
i kept quiet.. coz i reeli dun wanna tok to her anymore.. isnt it obvious tt i am writing to her coz firstly.. she always say i attitude so i dun tok lo.. i write... 2ndly.. i am writing coz i hope u noe wad i am going thru now! n obviously.. she dun think i am drained or tired at all.. wad does she mean by she haf gone thru this? so u mean playing netball n giving tuition back in the uni days are tiring for u? orh yeah.. i agree.. but i am taking 3 kids now and i am studying veri veri hard as compared to u! do u even read the textbks? u said u have gone.. like real okie.. n let me reiterate my stand of this.. i agree totally tt u need to slp enuff to work the next day n working is not easy n its not like i nv work b4! so stop using ur experience outside to say i am a frog in the well k? n next.. she said i am acting kelian.. which i am definitely not.. i cried coz i reeli bu fu qi.. coz u nv eva put urself in my shoes.. at least i acknowledge the fact tt u need to slp n i almost everytime give way n get out of my room.. in quarrels.. u nv think back at the many times ppl give way n let u rest. if we dun understand u need slp.. then we wun even get out of the room for u! k? its coz u dun understand even i have said many many times i also need to do work n SLP.. dun say till only u need to rest.. n i am iron lady k? thats y i wrote the letter.. the veri fact tt u stormed in n screamed again proves tt u haf no compassion for ur siblings n u read it with absolute no understanding.. u r juz skimming it on the surface and think ppl wanna get back at u.. and i say again.. i am not acting kelian.. i dun like sympathy from anyone.. if u think i am acting kelian.. n mummy n erjie is tricked coz i am a good actress.. then let me tell u this... if they reeli feel tt i also haf my own reasons.. you shld go n reflect about ur doings.. why wld they feel i am kelian in the first place? coz i reeli haf my own good reasons which they agree as well..
u keep saying we dun understand u.. why not ask urself.. did u try to understand others. if u can quarrel with everyone in the family about this.. doesnt the prob lies with u? n shldnt u, at times, give way n compromise? its not like i do work in my room everyday n purposely dun let u slp n say lets quarrel bout this! yesterday was juz a situation which i cannot control.. n u cannot even wait for 5 mins to let ppl finish up n wrap up with stuff.. tok bout selfishness in me? HA! dun make me laugh!
n yesh.. i simply dun understand why i muz apologise to u for writing tt letter.. in tt whole letter.. i nv insult u in any way.. find any sentence tt i insulted u and i will apologise to u willingly. n i reeli despise u.. you can stand like a big statue blocking the doorway and demand for an apology when everyone wants to slp.. with mummy pleading u go juz go n slp and stop all the nonsense.. U JUZ WANNA WIN... so if u can force me to apologise to u.. u win.. right? n yes.. juz as u wish.. i said sorry.. but i dunno why? coz ur accusations like acting kelian and provoking you juz by telling u things tt i feel about ur actions in tt letter were not true. i nv wanted to act kelian n provoke u. live till 24 yrs old and cannot even get ppl's intentions right... disappointing.. when i looked at you and said sorry with sincerity.. my sorry was meant for disturbing everyone in the family... and sorry coz i am rude to u.. but i am not sorry for writing the letter coz i nv think it was rubbish tt i wrote.. n if u think so.. thanx.. i wld not stupidly do this again for someone who juz dun get it.
Yesh.. you win.. i let u win.. coz i cannot stand it when u juz refuse to go n let mummy rest.. i cannot imagine ur strong intention to win overpowers ur love for mummy... reeli.. talk bout being filial right? ha! dun worry.. u juz let me see u can sacrifice ur filial piety when u need to win. n i said sorry coz i cldnt stand it.. mummy can plead with u to plz give it a rest n u juz stubbornly wanna continue n hear SORRY from me.. well.. to me.. i din lose anything to say sorry.. coz i noe part of it is my fault.. i said it coz i dun want to involve mum any further...
and i hate it when u keep sayin if i dun say sorry.. i dun need to call u dajie anymore n can forget bout depending on u for any other things next time. firstly... if i dun call u dajie.. i am not the only one losing out ok..i can apologise n still dun call u dajie... n tell me more bout depending on you. if i am soooo dependent on u.. pick out 10 things i asked help from u in the last 3months! n let me get this clear.. you r not supporting the family at all.. u r only returning ur uni fees every month.. mummy din use ur money at all on me! and i give tuition to support myself.. i din use any cent from u.. so financial wise.. i nv depend on u at all okie? its not like if u dun give mum money i will die from hunger or haf no money at all. then tok bout asking ur help in other things... orh yeah.. i did ask for ur help.. but its not like if u dun help i will die. n thanx alot reeli.. u let me noe how calculative u are and how noble u think u r. i wun die if u din send me to the airport when i go taiwan coz there r taxis ard and i haf the money.. i wun die if u dun exchange the money for me coz i can do it myself too.. if helping ur own family members is such a chore to u.. or is something u think we will die without u.. then u r so wrong.. u think u doraemon or fairy godmother?
and orh yes.. i said sorry not coz i wanna continue to depend on u in all areas of my life or coz i wanna call u dajie again. u like to bring up things tt u haf done or contributed.. why not recall bout things tt i haf done n contributed? if acknowledgement is so impt.. then why dun u see me screaming at the top of my voice trying to get u all to acknowledge my contributions? if u did the things unwillingly or wad.. then dun help.. and if u already helped.. dun treat it like a mattress to always fall back on and boast about how noble u r? i am sure everyone in the family are noble in their own ways.. not saying or praising doesnt mean we dun appreciate it.. by bringing up things tt have already been done as n when u like to is so hurting.. it juz shows tt as part of the family.. u dun feel for wad ppl do or how ppl react.. u juz wanna hear the beautiful praises of u by others.. if so.. i can guarantee tt u r in the wrong place huh.. go somewhere where u receive noble prizes for ur good deeds and wonderful contributions.
Lastly, i wana say tt i wrote tt letter not coz i dun respect you. n by saying wad i wrote was rubbish and act kelian and wanting me to apologise for something which i dun see i am wrong about... u r not respecting me as well.. shldnt i deserve an apology from u too? if u dun get the intention.. nvm.. i give up. you cannot listen u cannot read as well.. so wad else can i do... but well.. i noe i will neva hear it coz u are still so full of urself.. so ignorant.. so selfish... n always insisting tt u r right. how can u be absolutely right? but well .. maybe till ur old age .. u will nv see tt u r wrong in any way.. n i do feel sorry for u.. someone who dun even haf to courage to analyse issues and point out ur own mistakes.. u cannot be always right and 100% right. n i cannot believe you were the one who says "stop saying other ppl are at fault.. u say bout urself.. " thinking back about wad u say makes me laugh.. speak for urself then.. did u do tt? n if u did already n still think u r absolutely right.. then i feel more sorry for u.. coz u ask ppl to think in a way which u cannot even accomplish it urself.. how ironic huh.. n i tell u.. even if i dun haf to call u dajie anymore.. i will live like how i lived for the past 20 yrs... u see for urself whether i suffered in any way. n laugh at urself for making such a statement...
